


Worth the Wait

by xgabxx



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-08-17 08:07:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16512509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xgabxx/pseuds/xgabxx
Summary: He attempts to move them, she assumes to somewhere more comfortable like the couch or her bed even, but she whimpers. "No, Peter. Here. Just take me here. I know we never pictured our very first time actually having sex to be like this, but I don't care. I need you inside of me."She's right. Back then, when they were a couple, they used to imagine their first time together being the most romantic thing to ever happen to them. A weekend away together, the bed covered with rose petals, scented candles lighting up the room just the right amount, some background music, all the promises of always loving each other...But they broke up before that could be a reality.However, none of that even matters right now. What matters is that they found their way back to each other. What matters is that they're here.And he knows that if all those years apart led them to this exact moment, they were worth the wait.OR: Peter and Lara Jean running into each other eight years after breaking up, having sex for the first time and falling in love all over again.





	1. New York, I love you

It's Saturday and Lara Jean is at a night bar with her friends - sometimes, after a whole week of work and a whole lot of stress, that's all you need, right? To put on a dress that makes you feel beautiful, your girls, good music and, last but not least, alcohol. It's been a while since she's gone out like this - Lara Jean's been so tired lately that usually during the weekends, all she wants to do is read her favorite novels and binge her favorite shows. Today, however, she had a feeling that going out would actually be positive for her. Besides, her girlfriends were very insistent.

They've been here for about two and a half hours now and the girls are at their table as Lara Jean waits sitting at the bar, for her (second) Gimlet. She got up to go to the restroom and, to make a good use of that, decided to ask for another drink herself. She sort of feels a presence behind her, but it's hard to tell in a crowded place with loud music, so she stays still.

"Hi, excuse me. Do I know you?" There's a voice - a _familiar_ one, she thinks - that gets her attention, so she turns around. "Yeah, I do."

Her eyes go wide and her mouth opens in surprise. "Oh my God, Peter?" Lara Jean exclaims, not really believing in who her sight is showing.

"Lara Jean." It's all Peter manages to say, her name rolling off quite easily from his lips, even after all this time.

 _Damn_ , he really missed saying her name while looking at her face.

It's not as awkward as you think it would be, considering they broke up eight years ago, not really on good terms, by the way, and haven't talked to each other ever since. It's still a little awkward, though. Sure, how could it not be?

"What are you doing here? How are you?" She asks, and he sees confusion in her eyes, but also happiness. And he likes the latter much more. "God - it's been such a long time."

He feels she's a little nervous too, just like him, which sort of comforts him. "I know.. seven, eight years?" Peter answers, a beer in his hand.

She nods, running her fingers through her hair. "I think so, yeah." They're quiet for about three seconds, both of them smiling at each other, with their eyes and mouths. "It's so great to see you, honestly. Unexpected, for sure. But great."

He takes a sip of his beer, his head inclined. She's nostalgic about how she loved to kiss his Adam's apple when they were together. "Tell me about it. You know, when I found out I was coming to New York, you immediately crossed my mind." _That's not true, you cross my mind much more often than just that, but I can't say it. Not yet._ "However, I never thought we'd meet like this."

"Well, if you think about it, we have history of running into each other when odds are rather slight." Lara Jean replies, turning around in order to get her drink, but quickly facing Peter again.

"You do have a point." He raises his beer, proposing a toast to reencounters and she instantly clinks her glass on the bottle he's holding up.

"So you're here - now?" She asks, after taking a sip.

"Yeah, I moved to New York a couple of months ago." Peter knows she can tell he's completely in awe of her right now by the way he's staring at her.

"That is so great, Peter. I know this city will treat you good." Before she can stop herself, she's touching his arm, giving him a gentle squeeze, trying to tell him how happy she is for him that his life has brought him here. Back to her, in a way.

He puts his hand on top of hers, returning the tender gesture. "I gotta say, it already was treating me pretty nicely, but by arranging this encounter, New York outgrew itself."

"That's New York City... special." _Like we used to be_ , she thinks.

Peter swallows. And then, he asks. "Listen, I totally understand if you consider this inappropriate and I don't even know what you're doing here or who you're with so feel free to decline my offer but-" He pauses for a second, sighing. "Would you like to get out here? Go somewhere we could actually talk and like, catch up on everything?"

"And not be forced to speak very loudly?" She jokes. "Because it's what we're doing here."

"I know. Maybe I'm too old for this?" He cocks his head.

"Oh, shut up." She takes a last sip of her gimlet. "We're not old, Peter. We just haven't seen each other in forever and would like to offset that."

"Well, when you put it like that." He finishes his beer, too, leaving the empty bottle on the counter.

"See, I'm still as bright as I used to be." She blinks playfully at him, loving how surprisingly natural and good it feels to be close to him again.

"Rumor has it some things never change..." Peter says, and maybe, just maybe, he's also talking about his feelings for her. He's focusing all his energy to not take the lock of hair fallen on her face in his hands and put it behind her ear, like he used to do when they dated. Back then. He always loved to photograph her whole face with his eyes. It's been so long yet, the memories are so vivid that, somehow, it feels like they never really spent time apart. .

Lara Jean beams, secretly wondering if his heart is beating as fast as hers is. "I would love to get out of here." She loves how his mouth turns up into this beautiful, relieved smile the minute he hears her words. "I just have to tell my friends and then we can go."

He's nodding like an idiot because he'll wait for as long as necessary. Hell, he's already been waiting for years. He would wait a lifetime for her.  "Of course - sure, yeah." Peter replies, trying - and failing at the attempt - to mask his exhilaration. "You want me to wait for you here or?"

Lara Jean catches herself smiling at how adorable he is. Even though he's a man now, and he was just a boy when she really _knew_ him, the way he's acting around her takes her back to a time they were discovering life and love, together. "Don't you have someone to notify as well?" Lara Jean asks, looking around the place.

He chuckles. "You're right, yeah, I'll let them know I'm leaving." Peter takes a step back as Lara Jeans gets up from her seat. "We'll meet at exit, then?" He suggests.

"Got yourself a deal, Kavinsky. Just give me five minutes." She tells him before walking away in order to find her friends.

As she walks, she feels his gaze on her and she knows his eyes will watch her for as long as they can reach her. She smiles, thinking about life and its funny way of bringing people back. She was right - going out tonight definitely was a positive thing for her.

 

* * *

 

"So, where would you like to go?" He inquires, not caring at all about what her answer might be. Peter just wants to be near her.

Funny how we adapt to things, isn't it? There was a time, Peter would miss Lara Jean even physically. People say our hearts get broken, but he ached in his whole body. He missed her so much he knew he would never be the same. Without her, there was a blank. A blank which couldn't be filled with anything or anyone else - in fact, he never wanted it to be. But that visceral pain, within time, was transformed into something else. He was never able to actually define that feeling, but he eventually realised that living with that blank reminded him of how much he loved her, of how _real_ they were. And he wouldn't want to forget that, not even in a million years.

She brings him back from his thoughts with her voice. "If you don't mind - and please don't take this the wrong way - could we go to my place? Ugh, these shoes are killing me and I just want to take them off, sit comfortably on my couch and drink some fine wine."

He used to imagine her like this when they were younger - what Lara Jean would look like as a woman, a grown, independent woman. And here she is, pointing at her ridiculously high and ridiculously _sexy_ heels, red lipstick on her lips, talking about wine. He's glad he can see for himself, now. Even though, his imagination could ever do her justice - standing in front of him, like this, she's much more beautiful.

"Shit, those are high. That's why you seem taller, Covey." He laughs and she slaps him in the shoulder kiddingly. How she missed his very particular way of speaking her last name. How boring it felt whenever someone else called her that during these years. 

"Ha-ha, very funny." Lara Jean tries to put up a face, but she's obviously laughing with him. "So, you up for that?"

He shrugs. "Sure, Covey. Whatever you say." Peter answers, trying to play it cool and act nonchalant despite the fact he's secretly wondering what the _fuck_ does this all mean.

He decides not to overthink this, though. Tonight, he went out with some friends to have a good time and relax and now, he's going to Lara Jean's place. He probably could have trouble believing this was actually his life at the moment if she weren't loudly laughing with him and bumping her hand on his while they're walking on the street. 

New York was, _hands down_ , the second best thing that's happened to him. 

The first continued to be Lara Jean.


	2. Missing

Her apartment is beautiful - _very Lara Jean_ , he thinks. Although, not half as messy as her old bedroom used to be, he also thinks, when she gives him a little tour around the place. The apartment isn't that big, just the right size, considering she lives here all by herself. There are three bedrooms, the master suite is hers; the walls are now light colored, but the decor is all her. Bright, colorful cushions on her bed, vintage posters of her favorite classic films on the other side of the room and neon lights swinging on her window. The other bedrooms were made into a guest bedroom, used mainly when her family comes to visit - Peter smiles at the sight of a picture of the Covey girls with Dan framed on the nightstand -, and into an office, where Lara Jean keeps all of her books, dvds and vinyls.

  
Now, they're comfortably sitting on her living room, the opened bottle of wine resting on the center table right next to a beautiful flower vase with lilies and peonies. Their glasses in their hands as they chat between sips, glares and laughter.

  
It's quiet for a bit - as quiet as it gets when you live in New York City. And Peter has his eyes firmly on Lara Jean, contemplating the way her index finger traces the edge of the glass and how long her eyelashes seem whenever she blinks. He loved feeling them with the tip of his finger whenever her eyes were closed or how gentle they felt against his skin whenever she kissed his cheek.

  
"Why are you smiling like that?" He asks, breaking the silence between them, noticing her mouth moving. "What are you thinking about?"

  
She looks at him, her smile growing wider. "I just -" Lara Jean pauses because she's clearly going to bring their past up and _suddenly_ , she feels a weirdness in her stomach. "For a long time, I was afraid that maybe, if we ever were to meet again, it would be unbearably awkward. You know, things didn't end up smoothly between us."

  
Peter swallows hard, clearing his throat before he answers her. "I get what you mean. We were young. And stupid. I for one was particularly immature."

  
"Yeah, we were all of those things." She replies, putting her elbow on the backrest of the couch, holding her head with her hand, looking at him.

  
"Yeah. We are also very much in love." _There_. His voice is barely audible, but he tells her before he can even think to restrain himself. They were always spontaneous around each other, transparent even. Maybe it was a habit, you know? Speaking to her what comes to his mind. "It sucks that a lot of times love's not enough. Doesn't it?"

  
"It does." It's all she says, eyes locked on his, because it _fucking does_. She remembers how impotent and empty she felt when she realized that despite the fact she loved him with her whole body and no one would ever love her like he did, it wasn't enough.

  
"I'm sorry for bringing this up." Peter begins apologizing for they're having a nice night and he wouldn't want anything possibly ruining it or making it uncomfortable for her. She lets him finish his apology. "It's just - it's the first time we actually see each other ever since, so..."

  
She gives him this reassuring look. "Don't apologize. It's actually good we can finally talk about it." And she means it. The truth is both of them wanted this talk to eventually happen, and now it feels like putting things where they belong. "Looking back now, it breaks my heart that we couldn't deal with our own shit, therefore we decided to shut each other out and disappear from each other's lives."

  
Just thinking about it brings back the pain.

  
"It was our lame way to manage things." He says and they chuckle. "Bottom line is that - um, we still loved each other like crazy when we ended our relationship. Yet, we had to end it anyways. That killed us." Peter looks down for a second. "Well, it killed me."

  
"It killed me as well." She says, simply.

  
Lifting his head up, he faces her again. "Yeah, and we needed space, in every possible aspect of the word. Even though I missed you and I felt it in my bones, deep down I knew I wouldn't bear having you in my life if you weren't my girlfriend."

  
Lara Jean becomes teary eyed and she bites her bottom lip to prevent herself from crying. This is all beyond emotional, obviously, but in a good way. In an amazing way, in fact. It's easy and the timing is quite perfect. They're both glad to be doing this now, when they actually handle things and can once for all dot the i's, even if it took them eight years.  
"I felt the same way. And I do think it was the only way we found to - you know, get through the whole thing and, um, over each other."

  
He drinks the wine before he asks her. "Did you?"

"Did I what?" She answers his question with another.

  
"Get over us." He speaks, matter-of-factly.

  
"You're bolder now. I like that." Lara Jean says in a lower voice, and she knows herself enough to know she's _flirting_ with him right now.

  
"Well, Covey, some things do change. It's been a while, after all." Peter replies, feeling that well known tension build up in the living room.

  
"It fits you, I'll say. What was the question again?" Maybe she was a little lost in his eyes, but she didn't forget the question at all. Lara Jean purely wanted to hear him ask her once more.

  
He leans towards the table, taking the bottle of wine in his hand, pouring more of the liquor in both glasses before repeating himself. "Did you get over us?"

  
"What does getting over mean to you?" She asks, raising one eyebrow at him, after taking a sip.

  
"Is this some sort of reverse psychology shit or?" Peter says playfully, not completely understanding where she's going with this, but it doesn't matter because he's loving the sound of her laughing and how she's running her hand through her hair right now.

  
"No", she says forging a serious face, before continuing, "you see, a lot of people may think that getting over someone implies forgetting or stop feeling." She's talking with her hands too and he's feels his heart pounding just at the sight of her. "I'm not that kind of person, I don't function like that. I don't delete feelings. I learn from them, I try to transform them into something else so they won't cause me pain anymore and I can live in peace with myself." Maybe she's rambling because she is a little drunk right now, but who cares? He could listen her until the end of times. "So, no, I didn't forget you or us but I did learn how to cope, I guess. And when I understood everything, things fell into place. You know?"

  
He nods. "I do find your definition of the concept much better." Peter says and she inclines forward to make it seem like she's taking a bow, both of them laughing loudly. "And I didn't forget you or us either." He tells her, after they're done joking around.

  
She gives him a smile that takes him back to the first time he said he _loved_ her. "Good. I wouldn't have wanted you to."

  
"Tell me about your life. All of it."

  
There was a time when they _knew_ one another in their marrow, but, eventually, life got in the way. And it's not like they're strangers now, not really - that wouldn't ever happen. When you share so much, when you give so much of yourself to someone and receive so much from them, you carry them in you and let them carry you in them. That kind of bond can't be broken, they could never not know each other. But in eight years, so much has happened, to both of them. Now, there's a lot about Lara Jean that Peter doesn't know, and vice versa.

  
All the dreams they shared yet never got to witness as a reality.

  
All the plans they made together that either stopped making sense when they broke up or were changed into new scenarios.

  
Life didn't pause during that period apart. Things kept happening - great things, even. And they occasionally got used to no longer having each other. However, the excruciating impression that they wouldn't be able to feel things as intensely as they did when they were together still appeared from time to time.

  
Like they had already felt everything they could possibly feel or experience.

Like they couldn't feel anything new from now on, only lesser versions of what they already knew.

  
And it's not like they were miserable these years - not really. Both of them managed to do huge things. Lara Jean graduated from college four years ago and before moving to New York, she spent six months travelling around Asia and Europe. She's been here for three years now, working at a law firm composed by female lawyers and focused on women rights and causes. Peter, who also graduated from college four years ago, lived in Toronto for a year to study urban design architecture, then was hired by a company in Los Angeles, where he lived until he was transfered to New York, two months ago.

  
They always felt that complaining would be of an enormous ingratitude - achieving so much, yet feeling _something_ was missing.

  
Well... not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I loved your comments so much, I decided to post another chapter today. The next one will probably be the final chapter - when spicy Covinsky will grace us with their presence - but I thought I needed to establish their context first and keep building up that delicious tension between them.  
> I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I'm enjoying the writing process.  
> And thank you for the appreciation, 
> 
> xx


	3. Fill Me Up

The sun is about to rise outside but that doesn't get their attention. They're completely lost in themselves, in the secrets, frustrations, accomplishments, fears and goals they're now able to share with each other.

"I wonder what time it is." Lara Jean says, looking at the glass window, noticing the sky isn't that dark anymore.

Peter takes him phone out of his pocket, checking the time. "Fuck, it's nearly six in the morning." And they have this shocking look on their faces because, time does fly when they're together, as much as it feels like it stays still. "Do you want me to go?" He asks and he's afraid of what she might say; he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to leave her one more time.

"No, of course not." She answers immediately, observing his eyes shine at her response. "I was plain curious, we drank three bottles of wine and I totally lost track of time."

_Remember how often we used to lose track of time just because we didn't want to say goodbye?_

"For the record, we spent the night talking but it still seems insufficient." And then he shrugs, thinking it's kind of a dumb thing to say since he can't get enough of her, of them. _Will time ever be sufficient, though?_

Her heart agrees with him. "Well, it's been years so I think we'll need a lot of time to make up for the absence."

Lara Jean watches his mouth curve into a smile after her reply, and she smiles back at him - how could she not? "I'm counting on it. And I'll hold it against you."

 _Like it'd be necessary_ , she thinks. "Do you want something to eat?" She remembers how hungry he gets after a sleepless night. Or used to get, that is. Maybe it isn't that way anymore.

"No, I'm fine. Really." _Better than I've been for a long, long time_. He swallows that sentence, thinking about something else to say. "But we could make you something or even go grab some breakfast if you want to."

 _I'd rather stay here with you,_ she clears her throat instead. "No. I'm fine, too." 

He has this contemplative look on his face and she gets herself trying to count his freckles. "So, we've been talking for the past five hours, we drank three bottles of wine on pretty much an empty stomach, yet we can keep on going? You were right, we're not old."

Lara Jean blinks at him, raising both hands in the air. "I told you. We could, however, cut the wine now and start drinking some water. You know, damage control." They share a laugh as they get off the sofa, Lara Jean feeling her body losing a little balance as she stands up, Peter quickly holding her body. 

"You okay?" He asks, worried. She missed having him look at her like that.

"Very, just a little tipsy... we don't feel a thing until we stand up, right?" She tells him, her hands firmly on his arms as she meets his gaze. "Your eyes didn't change."

He has his eyebrows plunged into a frown, she wishes to kiss the wrinkle away. "What do you mean?" Peter asks her, tenderness taking up his voice.

"Right now, the look you gave me. It was - familiar." _Like you wanted to take care of me. Like you would take care of me if you could. If I'd let you._

His jaw tightens, knowing what she means. "Yeah - you know, as we used to say, those are my Covey eyes."

She looks at him for a second, studying his face. Letting go of his arm and making sure she's totally fine, she leads them into the kitchen. "You're too sweet for your own good. And handsome. Always have been." She says, her back facing him as she walks.

"Why, thank you. I might have mentioned throughout our night that you're even more beautiful now. And I didn't think it was possible." 

Lara Jean opens the refrigerator, grabbing two little bottles of water, handing him one. After gulping it down, she says, "You did no such thing."

"Really?" And she just nods. "Then I just didn't say it out loud because it's all I've been thinking about tonight."

And she doesn't even know how he manages to say it like _that_ , in this sweet, loving manner that also makes her aware that he wants to fuck her brains out.

She crosses her arms under her chest, analysing him as his eyes go up and down her figure. "You know, it's probably the beard you have on now, because the Peter I remember was baby faced, but - damn, you're shameless. And it looks good on you."

He grins, looking down at his feet. Peter can't afford to blow things, so he just asks, simply, looking straight at her. "You're flirting with me right now. Aren't you?"

She takes the bottle of his hand, putting alongside hers on the kitchen sink. "That hadn't crossed my mind all night but the moment we got up just a minute ago and you put your hands on my hips to steady me.. that got me going, yes."

He loves that she grew up to be this confident, knows-what-she-wants-and-speaks-her-mind kind of woman he knew she'd be. He's glad to be seeing it for himself. "That really didn't cross your mind at all?"

 _Who am I kidding_ , she thinks. "Well, it might have at some point. But I decided to act on it just now, so. You?"

"It did cross my mind." Peter replies and she knows she's never been looked at like this by anyone else. And then, the pure desire shifts into _something_ else. "And I don't mean just tonight."

_There._

It's quiet for a little while as the tension builds up, their breathes becoming slightly heavier. He keeps watching her, like he's studying her face, capturing everything about her. Peter won't even blink too hard, afraid he might miss anything. 

"Peter?" Lara Jean whispers softly, walking to him, reaching out to touch his face. 

He leans his head instantly so his cheek will meet her hand faster. Now he closes his eyes for a second, pressing a light kiss to her palm. "It's a lot to take, that's all." He admits and she nods, knowing exactly what he means. 

She closes the space between them, pressing her body lightly on his. Lara Jean wants to feel him. And she knows he wants to feel her too. But that doesn't erase how overwhelming this whole thing is, for both of them. They share such baggage that being here, with each other, again, after all this time is just familiar - almost too familiar. And it brings back so many memories. Like the first and last time he said she was the love of his life. The latter happening precisely when they broke up. 

_You'll always be the love of my life_ to which she replied, _I'll never love anyone else the way I love you._

So there's that. All of that. All of them.

But also, this - everything that's happening now. Peter and Lara Jean letting themselves realize how much they missed one another. So much that it's almost physically palpable. Being this close to each other again is setting their bodies on fire - like finally being able to feel, in the fullness of the word.  
He stares at her like she's his whole world and maybe she still is. Maybe she'll always be. And Lara Jeans feels herself getting a little emotional too, but it's okay. That's what she mutters to him. _It's okay._ He asks her if she's feeling alright, if she's not drunk _because I wouldn't forgive myself if you were to regret this_. 

"How could I regret this? It's you."

Peter starts touching her. He runs his hands through her hair, caresses her face with his thumbs, slides his hands down to her shoulders and arms, takes her hands on his, kisses them lightly, then goes all the way up again, travelling on her hips, feeling her butt, and lower back, and waist, and breasts, and then her face again.  
Her whole body is shivering and she's completely sure this is the most turned on she's ever been. And it makes sense it is with Peter. 

She has her eyes closed, surrendered to his touch, and it's his voice that brings her back. "I could spend my whole life just looking at you. Especially when you're this horny." He says that last part in this husky, sexy voice that makes her breathless. 

"You're just gonna watch me, then?" And she takes a step back, done playing games.

She used to play these little games when they were together - trying to act unavailable or playing hard to get because she thought it would keep him interested. She did enjoy it, of course, knowing how crazy she could make him was very amusing indeed. But he's here now, _right here_. And they don't have to wait or waste any more time. 

His hands reach out to her, but he doesn't move his body or his eyes, even. He's as mesmerized by her as he's always been. More, if possible. Having this power over Peter used to be one of her favorite things - she remembers why, now. 

Lara Jean is wearing this beautiful, navy dress with long sleeves that's just enough tight to enhance her body. Her heels are long gone by now, somewhere near the couch. She starts unzipping the piece of clothing, slowly, not breaking their eye contact. Not even for a split second. Actually, she does break it for just a second. She glances down at his crotch, noticing the growing bulge on his pants, and as she meets his gaze again, she feels herself getting wetter. The dress falls off her body, revealing her mouth dropping set of black see through lace bra and panties.

Peter breathes out an audible _fuck_ as he takes her in. She's a vision.

"Your turn." She demands because he's stagnant. And as much as Lara Jean loves that she affects him this much, a girl's gotta eat, right?

He doesn't need to be told twice, though. His clothes slip off his body within seconds - and she's very glad he's only wearing black boxer briefs now. She's about to open her mouth in order to say something but Peter is faster and _finally_ crashes his lips on hers before that can happen. He instinctively picks her up, to which she responds immediately by wrapping her legs around his hips. He holds her tight against him, like he doesn't want to let her go. He never wanted to let her go. And in a way, he never really did. 

She can feel how hard he is now and he can feel how ready she is through the thin fabric of her panties. He has her pressed up against a wall in the kitchen as their kiss grow deeper, their tongues relishing to one another, their bodies desperate for contact. _More contact_ , because this isn't enough, they're Always too eager for each other. Peter suddenly slows down their kiss, bitting her bottom lip, kissing her jawline, her nails scratching his neck as she moans loudly his name. 

Breathing against her mouth that he wants to _feel_ her, he puts her sitting on the kitchen counter as she replies: "Please, do." 

Peter caresses her through her underwear, watching her melt with desire. He puts her panties aside, moving his finger up and down just to tease her, loving how ready she already is for him. 

She's always been.

He slowly slides a finger inside of her, and then a second finger, Lara Jean arching her back and biting her own lip in pleasure. He starts pumping them in and out, just in the right rhythm, and she feels her hips move in order to try and meet his touch. She has both of her hands pressed on his nape, bringing him closer to her as she whispers how much she missed his touch. His thumb gently strokes her clit now, making her eyes pop open so she can look directly at him and watch him work his magic. 

"You're as warm and wet as I remember." He mumbles, leaning in to kiss her again because his mouth never wanted to leave hers, ever. 

She tells him she needs him against his lips and he needs her too - _fuck_ , he really does. But he doesn't stop kissing her or moving his fingers because he wants to take all the time in the world to just enjoy her, feel her, touch her, watch her, adore her, worship her. He's been feeling her absence for much too long. 

Lara Jean knows he'll keep fingering her until she comes - which is one hundred percent fine, by the way. But right now, not what she wants. She needs more. She needs him to fill her up, completely, until there's no room left. Trying to make herself be heard, she slides her hand inside of his underwear, taking all of him on her hand. She drops her head onto his shoulder, biting him lightly and now he's the one throwing his head back in pleasure. She feels herself getting wetter right away, Peter breathing her name like it's a promise as her hand goes up and down his penis - _just as hard and thick as I remember_ , Lara Jean tells Peter.

She calls for him, and he looks at her, his forehead covered in sweat, both of them still giving each other pleasure. 

"I said I need you." And then Lara Jean uses the tip of her tongue to lick his bottom lip. 

He attempts to move them, she assumes to somewhere more comfortable like the couch or her bed even, but she whimpers. "No, Peter. Here. Just take me here." And then she pulls his underwear down with her hands, Peter helping her until he's completely naked. "I know we never pictured our very first time actually having sex to be like this, but I don't care. I need you inside of me."

She's right. Back then, when they were a couple, they used to imagine their first time together being the most romantic thing to ever happen to them. A weekend away together, the bed covered with rose petals, scented candles lighting up the room just the right amount, some background music, all the promises of always loving each other... But they broke up before that could be a reality. 

However, none of that even matters right now. What matters is that they found their way back to each other. What matters is that they're here.

And he knows that if all those years apart led them to this exact moment, they were worth the wait.

While she takes off her lingerie, Peter starts looking for his wallet somewhere in the kitchen in order to get a condom, and she's actually touching herself and staring at him while he opens the package. "Fuck, cut me a slack, Covey." They both share a laugh and there it is: _intimacy_. It's still them, after all.

She licks her fingers and he swears he's never seen anything like this. "I always knew you'd be the death of me." Peter says, simply, rolling the condom on himself. 

"I know you'd rather die like this." Lara Jean replies, opening her legs, welcoming him. 

Waking towards the counter again, he positions himself in front of her, their eyes meeting. It's a thin line between _I can't believe this is happening_ and _this is so meant to be_. He starts off by teasing them a little, just caressing her with the tip of his member. Her hips promptly moving as she says his name both in frustration and desirability. He finally penetrates her, slowly, too slowly even, and this is the moment they can feel every little inch of their bodies vibrating. Peter leans in and kisses her breast, taking her nipples in his mouth, licking them, bitting them lightly, her hands running through his hair as she begs for him to keep moving.

 _Don't stop_ and she's not talking about sex only. _Don't stop loving me, don't stop wanting me, don't stop coming back to me,_ is what she means. 

He answers her he won't, and he's not talking only about sex either.

She spreads her legs wider, begging him to go deeper, so he slides himself out of her completely, just in order to thrust back in, harder this time, repeating the movement a few times. She throws her head back, screaming his name in pleasure. "Fuck, you're so fucking hot." He says against her neck.

She's heard that before. She did this before with other guys. As he did with other women. But she always knew nothing would compare to them. And she was right. 

He keeps thrusting inside of her, the urgency of their bodies growing and growing. Peter caresses her face, his thumb stroking her lips. She puts it on her mouth, sucking on it all nice and slow, watching him lose his breath at the sight of her. He wants her to come, he _needs_ her to come. So he takes his hand off her face, putting it where their bodies are uniting. Peter starts rubbing circles on her clit, and as she tightens around his penis, he knows she's about to climax. 

She reaches for him, pulling his body, needing him closer - if that's even possible - needing him _everywhere_ , inside and out. Their foreheads touching, her arms wrapped around his shoulders and neck as he kisses her, his tongue searching for hers. 

"You feel so, so, so good." She says and she's holding back because this feels amazing and she doesn't want it to cease. She'd keep him inside for hours if she could, trying to make up for loss time. "So hard and _deep_."

Just the look she has on her face right now would be enough to make him explode. He whispers to her that she is so fucking sexy and he wants her to come for him, as he continues to move his hips and hand. He traces a line from between her breast to her mouth with his tongue, tasting her sweated skin. 

"Oh God - fuck me." Lara Jean breathes, Peter has his other hand on her right breast, her nipple hard between his fingers.

"I am fucking you." He replies naturally against her earlobe and they both laugh. "I know you're holding back. _I know you._ " She closes her eyes - _it's too much._ "Babe... look at me, Covey, look at me." And she does as he pleases. 

Then he's kissing her with everything he has. Putting in that kiss every little thing he wishes he could've said to her during all these years but never had a chance to. Trying to make up for how he missed her with every fiber of his being for so long he can't even believe she's here, now, being completely fucked and loved by him. Because, that's the thing - he'll always love her. No matter what.

So they come.  
Together.  
Just like that.

Saying each other's names between moans, their bodies shaking with pleasure, their fingers intertwined. Lara Jean had a point when she said neither of them imagined their first time having sex to be this way. In fact, a lot of what they had imagined for themselves didn't happen. But all of that vanishes because the scenario doesn't really matter. It's still them. It will always be them. That's what makes it all so visceral. 

He stays inside of her as long as he can - anatomically speaking, he can't stay as long as he wants to. She still has her legs wrapped around him, keeping him there, keeping him in. Dropping kisses on her bare shoulder, his hand going up and down the side of her leg, he pulls himself out of her, both of them whimpering. 

"Hey you." Peter whispers before kissing the tip of her nose and the corner of her mouth in the sweetest gesture. 

"Hey you." Lara Jean replies, her fingers drawing patterns on his back. 

"What was that?" He asks, because he's still too overwhelmed. 

She laughs out loud and her boobs are probably bouncing but he can't take his eyes off of her face. This post sex look is stunning on her. Those red, swollen lips, sweaty, glowing body, hair sticking everywhere. She's never looked more beautiful to him. And for long he dreamed to see her like this.

"That was the best sex of our lives, Kavinsky." 

_Hands. Down._

He leaves a trail of kisses on her skin, from shoulder to shoulder. "For now." He says, hugging her. His fingers drawing random patters on her back, Lara Jean shuddering to his touch. "You really didn't give me that much time to enjoy you like I wanted to. Well, maybe no amount of time will ever be enough." Peter says simply, his voice a little muffled because he has his face pressed on the crock of her neck.

Her heart has never been so full. 

Not for the past eight years, at least. 

"Peter?"

"Yeah?"

He's facing her now, his Covey eyes more intense than ever. 

"We have time."

She knows by the way he looks at her that not much has really changed, not between them. And that they will figure it all out. Whatever comes their way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys! Thank you all for the sweet comments - it means so much you're enjoying this! As asked, I decided to write more, so this isn't the conclusion yet. I really don't know what's to come, but hopefully, I'll figure it out.  
> Looking forward to knowing how you feel about this chapter, it was an absolute delight to write.  
> Love to you all,
> 
> xx


	4. Remember Me

 

 

>  
> 
>  
> 
>   **[this chapter takes us back to a few years ago, when Peter and Lara Jean were in freshman year of college, and had to struggle with being away from each other]**

 

Friday, 8:13pm.

  
Peter picks up his phone after the second ring, smiling automatically when he sees her name pop on the screen. "Hey, beautiful. You ok?"

  
She presses her cellphone a little harder against her face, trying to get closer to him - somehow - as she melts to his choice of words. Lara Jean could have him call her beautiful in every sentence and still feel butterflies in her tummy. "Hey, you." She replies, sweetly, knowing he's smiling at the sound of her voice. "Just a little tired, it's been a long week.. But I'm making some dinner now and I wanted to hear your voice, you know I like talking to you when I'm cooking. You good?"

  
"Much better now that I'm talking to you." He answers, sincerely, hearing her laugh at his words, not because they're funny, but because she feels the exact same way. "But yeah, college is pretty exhausting, huh? I'm quite tired myself this week. And I really miss my girlfriend, which is not very helpful."

  
"You do?" Lara Jean asks, tilting her head to the side in this charming, childish way.

  
He doesn't care, he'll say he misses her how many times she wishes to hear. "Yeah. Like crazy. And it's been what, twenty days?" Although, it feels like a month. Two, maybe?

  
"I bet she misses you too. A lot. And seventeen days, actually." She says the last sentence in a lower voice, like she's trying to keep him for being able to hear her.

  
"I can't wait for us to be together again." Peter lets out, simply.

  
"Peter, I -"

  
"No, I know there's not much we can do about it and I'm not complaining - or maybe I am, but I just - I miss you."

  
They talked this through - this whole being away from each other for weeks and missing each other desperately scenario - and they eventually came to the conclusion that, from now on, it would be their reality. If all things, being too nostalgic and complaining about it wouldn't change anything, probably only make this whole thing even more challenging for both of them. Some days are easier than others.

  
She sights deeply. "I know you do. And I miss you too. Like, right now, I miss having you watch me as I dance around in the kitchen while I cook. You think I don't notice that you do that, but I do, you know?"

  
He feels his heart expanding with love and warmth. "All I have to do is close my eyes and I can see you twirling." And he does, giving in to the memory of his love dancing around, dish cloth in hand, to whatever song playing in her head.

  
"I love you." And oh boy, does she love him.

  
"I love you more." Peter replies, eyes still closed.

  
"Call me before you go to bed?" She asks, finishing her pasta.

  
"Always."  
 

* * *

  
Thursday, 11:22pm

  
_covey, i'm running out of battery, so  i'm texting to let you know that i'm going to a party in a bit, the guys just dropped by. is that okay with you?_

  
They talked about this, as long as they were to let each other know what they were going to do and where they were going to be, there's no impediment or anything. They trust each other wholeheartedly, so there's no reason to hold each other back when it comes to experiencing college - they really don't want to become one of those couples that end up resenting one another or holding each other accountable for everything they couldn't live. It's not like that with them _._

 

_sure, peter, i was just about to call you to let you know i'm going to a party myself. the girls and i just decided :)_

_that's great, i hope you have fun. easy on the vodka, ok? lol. i'll leave my phone charging, so i can call you when i get back. what do you think?_

  
_hey, i'm getting better at holding my liquor, thank you very much. i'd like that, yeah. talk to you in a few hours, then? have fun. hope you miss me there._

  
_that's my girl :) it's a deal, babe. missing you 24/7. talk to you soon, ok? i love you._

  
_i love you back._

  
Later that night, when they get home and talk on the phone after the party, both of them still smelling like a combination of cheap vodka and cigarettes, it's quite ambivalent. They're missing each other because, like Peter had said before, it's practically a constant state by now. They're always missing each other. But while being there, at the party, and then coming home, it was strange - to say the least - realizing that they didn't actually cross each other's minds that much.  
Not as much as they thought they would. Or should have.  
They obviously keep that to themselves, though.

 

* * *

 

By the third month of college, the letters they had promised to send each other are no longer a thing. Not that they forget that it's something they were supposed to be doing, they don't. That thought is still there, somewhere, deep down in them. But new things are happening; exciting things. Things they're still discovering and getting in touch with - so it's understandable to be in complete awe of? Maybe? New things they don't take for granted and actually have to be invested in? Yeah. This brand new life is happening, college is happening, classes are happening, study groups are happening, meetings are happening, practices are happening, exams are happening, parties are happening.

  
So, I guess you could say all of that gets in the way of them sticking to that very specific part of their contract.  
And they don't even dare talk about it.  
Which is probably not a good thing, either.

  

 

* * *

 

Monday, 2:56am.

  
"Lara Jean, what the fuck, I've been calling you for hours, it's three in the fucking morning, what the hell is going on?!"

  
He's pissed, okay, she saw it coming. Actually, she didn't see anything coming because she was sleeping. She accidentally fell asleep before letting him know she had gotten back from college and, well. He's pissed.

  
"Shit, hi - Peter, hi, I'm sorry - will you let me fucking talk?" Lara Jean talks over him, because he's not letting her justify herself.

  
"As you wish." He says in this sarcastic voice she really dislikes.

  
"I really don't appreciate your tone right now." _Perhaps now isn't the time, LJ_ , she thinks to herself. But says it, anyways.

  
"And I really don't appreciate you disappearing on me like that. I've been trying to reach you for the past six fucking hours, Lara Jean."

  
She sighs, a little guilty, swallowing her pride. "Can I please explain?"

  
"Fuck, you like vanish and I apologize? Fine, I'm sorry. You can explain, Covey. Go ahead."

  
_Ugh, she loves him_.

  
She blurts it all out at once and if he wasn't actually worried, he probably would laugh at how adorable she is. "Look, I'm sorry, ok? I got home from college around 10 pm, and my phone had already ran out of battery so I couldn't tell you. I connected the charger, and I laid down just for like five minutes but I'm so exhausted I ended up falling asleep. I literally woke up just now basically dialing your number. I'm sorry, please don't be mad, I -"

  
Peter chuckles. "Babe?"

  
"Yeah?" She says, hopefully.

  
"Please, just don't do this again. I was so fucking worried something had happened to you, I was literally about to drive there." He says and she knows he means every single word. She sense so much concern and affection in his voice. Don't get her wrong, it's not like she wants him to be in these situations, of course not, but it's nice knowing someone cares about you enough to drive hours and hours in the middle of night just to check on you.

  
"Maybe I shouldn't have called you, then you'd be here in bed with me." Lara Jean says, a suggestive voice she doesn't even recognizes.

  
He pauses for a second, like he's considering the option and she laughs. "You think you're so smart."

  
"You know I am."

  
"I love you. Ok?" He says, effortlessly. "Just - don't do this. This phone - texting throughout our days and calling each other is pretty much what we have right now. It's basically the extension of our relationship. You know what I mean, don't you?"

  
And she does, completely. It's pretty much what brings them as together as possible, amid the distance. "I do. It's not happening again, I won't let it. I love you more."

  

* * *

 

But Lara Jean lets it happen again, eventually.  
And so does Peter.

  
And the excuses and apologies become the same and almost empty - "I left my charger at the dorm" or "I fell asleep" or "I didn't bring my phone with me" or "I'm so sorry I missed your call" or "I had a meeting" or "sorry, my practice last a little longer today" or 'it was a busy day" and so it goes. Except they don't actually do anything to keep that from happening. In fact, they get used to justifying themselves and each other. So, if calling and texting before were habits, now, not calling and not texting, at least not as often, were becoming habits as well.

  

* * *

  
Tuesday, 1:03am.

  
"Hey, Covey, what's wrong?" Peter says between yawns, that low voice she adores.

  
"Ugh - I knew I'd wake you up, I'm sorry." Lara Jean says in a low voice, under her covers, not wanting to wake up her roommates.

  
"It's okay, did something happened?" He asks, and she can visualize his curs everywhere as he rubs his eyes.

  
"I had a bad dream." She answers, aware she sounds like nine year old and having no problem with it.

  
He's utterly sure he'll never get tired of her adorableness. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

  
"I don't know, - I." She pauses for a second and he waits, obviously. " _You_ were in it."

  
"Ok.. And you said it was a bad dream, so what did I do?" She loves him for saying this.

  
"You got me pregnant, Peter!"

  
Now he has to laugh - just a little bit. "It was just a dream, Covey."

  
"Still."

  
"We don't even have sex." He says, matter-of-factly.

  
"Are you complaining?" Lara Jean teases.

  
His answer comes quick as a whip. "No, I'm just pointing out how unrealistic it would be for us to get pregnant if we're not having sex yet."

  
"You're so cute saying us, though." She thinks that those little things are the ones that keep them together, you know?

  
"Well, _duh_!" Like there was any other possible way. "But you know, maybe that's an unconscious desire to have sex with me popping in your dream right there."

  
"Nighty night, Peter." But she's laughing.

  
"Sweet dreams, Covey."

  
Before she falls asleep again, she thinks she called him because she doesn't feel that connected to him anymore. And not that it's all lost - because it isn't, probably won't ever be - but she can feel it slowly slipping through her fingers. It's hard going from sharing _everything_ to each other from sharing so little.  
Because that's it. At the end of the day, in reality, they're still not there. Not for real, after all.

 

* * *

  
Wednesday, 11:57am

  
When they forget their monthly anniversary - that was never as celebrated as the annual anniversary, but it was still a habit for them to acknowledge they were sharing another month with each other - for the first time in their whole relationship, Lara Jean only realizes it because she's looking at her planner late at night as if she's missing something in her obligations list. Staring at the date - _bam_ \- it all falls into place.

  
She searches for her phone, calling Peter.  
He answers the phone by yawning and saying _hey, babe_ and she hates this distance almost as much as she loves him.

  
"We forgot it was our monthly anniversary today!" Lara Jean says, and she's well aware of how dramatic her voice sounds and he sights, wishing he could put her in his arms.

  
"I'm sorry, Covey, it must've slipped our minds, I mean -"

  
"No, don't apologize, I'm not blaming you for this. I'm just - You know." As she replies, he can imagine her sitting on her bed, legs crossed because she's tense, tucking her hair behind her ear, looking down. He can tell she's tired, too.

  
"I know you're not, babe. And I get it, you're frustrated. But don't go all Lara Jean on this, okay? It happens. It doesn't have to mean anything."

  
She wants to believe in him. But she _doesn't_. It means something. It means they're changing. And that's not a bad thing. She loves who she's becoming, she loves who he's becoming. She couldn't be more proud of both of them for all they've been doing. But maybe, they're not in the same page anymore as a couple, you know? And that means something.

Eventually, they'll have to face that.

  
"Fine. I'm sorry I woke you up." She says, swallowing everything she was actually thinking.

  
"I'm not. You wanna talk a little bit more? Until you're falling asleep?" It's so easy saying yes to him.

  
_Eventually._ Not just yet.  
   
  

* * *

  
Saturday, 4:07pm.

  
"Are you drunk?" Lara Jean asks, probably a little more sharply than she intended to, after noticing how weak his voice was.

  
"Are you mad?" Peter asks back, not really following. He had told her about the party before, so what's really the issue anyway?

  
"Should I be?" She asks, again, her voice even sharper.

  
He takes a deep breath. "Let's not answer questions with questions, Covey. No reason you should be mad, and I'm drinking beer, so I'm sort of like - how do you say it? Tipsy, yeah."

  
"I see." She doesn't seem at all happy.

  
Peter tries to change the subject. "What are you thinking about?"

  
"Right now? That my boyfriend is at a college party filled with hot chicks while I'm studying for a exam I'm probably going to fail, by the way." She can basically taste the bitterness in her own tongue. She doesn't care at the moment.

  
He already knows this is heading somewhere potentially problematic, hopefully just a long conversation and not a fight, but who can tell at this point? So he's walking somewhere quiet so they can actually talk it all through. " _Hot_ _chicks_ , Lara Jean? What the fuck?" He lets it out because there was never really a place for jealously in their relationship, so that's plain weird. "You want me to go home?"

  
She sights, and he can tell she's frustrated and annoyed - mostly by her own behavior. "No, I'm being an unreasonable _bitch_ right now, stop encouraging me."

  
They share a laugh and then he says, his heart in every single word. "I don't care, you're my girl. You're allowed to be."

  
"Peter..." He makes it all so _damn_ hard by making being with him and loving him so damn easy.

  
"Covey." Peter says her name like he's giving her the time she needs. " _Talk_ to me."

  
Lara Jean takes a deep breath, opens and closes her mouth twice before actually speaking. "There's nothing that could ever make me doubt the love that I have for you. Or the love that you have for me. You know that, don't you?"

  
That immediately brings a smile to his face. He nods, wishing they were face to face. "Our love is the one thing I'm certain of."

  
She swallows, not really sure how to put it. "Do you feel like it is enough? Because, I'm - I'm scared it might not be."

  
Peter freezes and suddenly he forgets how to talk. "What - um - what do you mean?"

  
"Even though we love each other - and we do, so so so much, and that won't change, it won't go way. Is it enough? Is it working, Peter? Or are we just clinging to one another because us being together is all we know?" She says, books forgotten on her desk, walking around in circles in her bedroom.

  
"Where is this all coming from? You're not happy with me anymore?" All she hears is pain and fear in his voice.

  
She doesn't dare answer that, but not as she used to be, no. And they're both aware of it. He's not as happy anymore, either. "Are we as invested in making each other happy anymore? Like we used to be - I'm so fucking _terrified_ because I can't even picture a world without you in it, but-"

  
He can't carry on with this, so he cuts her off, raising his voice a little bit because even the mere _thought_ of not being with her for a single second is beyond unbearable. "Then fucking don't, you don't have to. I'm right here. Why are you even saying these things? We knew things wouldn't be easy, we knew we would stay months away from each other, we knew about the distance and shit. But I love you. Do you hear me? I _fucking_ love you."

And he says it like that's the only answer and the cure and all that matters.

  
But it isn't.

He's just not ready to see it, and it's okay. She'll give him the time he needs.

  
"And I fucking love you." She replies back, making him know this isn't the issue, that's not the point here. "But we have to be honest, we own each other that much. We're not being able to fully experience college and manage this relationship as a long distance one."

  
He's quiet for about thirty seconds and she guesses he's thinking about what to say. "I don't even know if I want to ask you this question, but are you trying to break up with me or convince me to break up with you right now?"

  
"No, I don't wanna break up with you." And she really doesn't. Not right now. Not yet. Not like this. "But did anything make sense to you? Do you understand what I mean?"

  
"Kind of. I mean, I'm glad we talked about this, because now we can try and work it out. Ok? We will figure something out. Don't you trust me anymore? You used to trust me more than anything."

  
He sounds so heartbroken and she hates that they've reached a point where they can't fix this anymore.

  
"I trust you. And I love you. I told you, my feelings for you didn't change, I don't think they ever will. I promise you, ok?"

And she isn't lying to him. Lara Jean is sort of convinced that it's a matter of time until they break up, yes. But she's also convinced that they will eventually find their way back into each other's lives. Because that's the kind of love they have. Maybe that's what she's holding onto.

   

* * *

  
Friday, 6:28pm

  
"Are you sure everything's fine? You seem a little off." Peter asks her after a minute of silence and a few monosyllabic replies.

  
She sighs, pressing her hand against her forehead. "I'm sorry, I - I had a tough day, I failed this test and then I found out this amazing teacher is selecting some students for a internship I really want to join but I don't have enough credits and she doesn't like me that much and I don't have time to do everything so - yeah."

  
"Hey, Covey - you can do this, okay?" Peter says, simply.

  
She just nods repeatedly and swallows her tears before they dare to come out, wishing Peter's words were actually something she could listen to and believe in right now. "What were you saying?"

  
On top of everything, she really hates that she's failing on him. On _them_.

 

 

* * *

  
Saturday, 11:06pm.

  
Three weeks later, as it turns out, she learns that Peter was indeed right. Lara Jean receives an e-mail with her internship aproval around 11pm and when she tries to call to share the great news, she doesn't hear back from him. She calls him twice, he doesn't answer, so she decides to text him.

  
_just found out i got the internship, that's why i'm calling you - wouldn't want to have you worried. everything ok?_

  
Forty five minutes and still nothing. She calls him again and he doesn't pick up. Lara Jean tries to call him for the forth time and all she keeps thinking is how distant they are, and not only physically. Eight months ago, she'd be worried sick something might have happened, probably calling and texting him nonstop. Now, it just feels like another moment in which one of them is unsuccessfully reaching out for the other. They're used to those moments by now. Not being there for the other one and not having them there for you. What's the point, then? She realizes that they only spoke to each other in the morning that day, and that made her cry. Partly because she misses what they used to be, partly because she doesn't care as much anymore and partly because she doesn't really know what to do.

  
_hey, maybe you're just really exhausted and fell asleep, so i'll stop calling you now, ok? call me if you need anything. love you._

 

* * *

The following day, he calls her to let her know that he had an argument with his father a few hours after he had talked to her on the phone. And that he got so absurdly wasted that when his friends brought him back, around 10pm, he just passed out.

  
"Why didn't you come to me?" It's all she asks, holding her tears.

  
"I didn't want to deal with it, Covey, that has nothing to do with you." He says, but it sounded so much better in his head.

  
"I see, so you decided to get hammered instead." Her voice breaks, and before she can contain herself, the tears are out.

  
"Fuck - Covey, don't cry, I'm sorry, I'm -"

  
She's not even sure why she's crying. But the fact he didn't even think to congratulate her is definitely a big one.

   

* * *

  
Thursday, 2:33pm.

  
Peter warns her, heading to his practice. "I'm not arguing with you about this anymore, Lara Jean."

  
She's collecting a few books and putting them on her bag. "You're gonna hang up on me?"

  
"You know I wouldn't - _God._ " He sighs, frustrated.

  
"So what? You're gonna let me have a conversation with myself?" Lara Jean asks, dropping the books and bag, a hand on her hip.

  
"Why do you keep doing this?" Peter just wants to like - _shake_ her or something to make her understand.

  
"Doing what exactly, Peter?"

  
He takes a deep breath, knowing he can't be anything but polite or else she won't listen. "This. Pick up a fight and push me away. I'm literally telling you I don't want us to fight because we don't need to make this relationship any worse, yet it seems it's exactly what you're searching for."

  
She makes a sound like she's really offended. Okay, maybe that also backfired. "Make this relationship any worse? You're really going to throw the whole responsibility of our relationship on me?"

  
He feels like throwing his phone away. But he doesn't - obviously "That's not what I'm doing and you know it. Stop trying to distort this, Covey. What the fuck happened to us being honest with each other?" There's a long pause, but they keep hearing each other's breathing. "You're not gonna say anything? You're not gonna deny it or admit it or even say you're sorry? I get nothing but silence treatment here?"

  
"Peter, I -" She can tell he's hurt but she can't. She can't swallow what she's feeling to say what he wants to hear. Not right now.

  
She can't keep up with _this._

  
He groans, defeated. "Not enough, Covey. You know what, maybe I am gonna hang up on you. I - um - Not really because I'm letting you know, but - I'll call you tomorrow, I need to - yeah. Take care, okay?

  
_Eventually_ had come. She couldn't postpone it anymore.

 

* * *

  
Wednesday, 6:07am

  
Peter wakes up to the touch of her hands on his cheek, he always loved when she was the first thing he'd see in the morning. Most of the times, it meant he was about to have an amazing day ahead of him.

  
It was different this time. He couldn't see that brightness in her eyes anymore.

  
He kisses the palm of her hand, lets his lips stay there for a while.

She's there to break up with him, he could tell.  
    
  

* * *

He wonders why she never looked more beautiful to him than she does right now. That isn't at all fair, he thinks.

It doesn't make it any easier. Nothing could, for that matter.

  
They're sitting on his bed, facing one another, taking each other in, fingers interlaced, knees touching. Lara Jean closes her eyes for a bit, swallows hard, trying to fill herself up with the courage to do what she's here to do. And she begins.

 

"We stopped treating each other as our priorities. And that's perfectly natural, because I think that, as we're getting older and mature, we're realizing we don't have to be each other's everything. You know what I mean? I want us to have other things in life. Dreams that are mine and dreams that are yours, separatedly, and that we share, because we love each other. But, Peter... We're not there yet, either. I feel miserable everytime I think about how much of disappointment I've been to you when it comes to our relationship in the past months and I know - I know - you feel the same. And we've tried - so hard - because we love each other deeply, we do, and it isn't enough. And I hate myself for it. I'm not used to failing, you know? I don't deal well with what I consider a failure. And being with you was one of the few things in life I was actually sure of.  And not being able to be with you anymore, I-"

  
"You're talking about our relationship like it's already doomed. Like it already ended. Don't I get a saying in this? A failure, Lara Jean? Really? What the fuck?" He gets defensive all of a sudden because he's hurt - she was expecting it.

  
She knows Peter is deflecting, taking things Lara Jean said out of context simply to avoid the fact that she's right. "You're not listening to me, Peter. Please, don't make this harder, I know you see what I see."

  
He sort of lets out a laugh, as if he's saying he's not the one making this harder. "What I see is that I love you. I fucking love you so much I don't even know how it's humanly possible to love so much." He runs his fingers through his hair and tightens his jaw. "And when you love someone like this, you don't let them go, you make it work, you figure it out. You're the one who's trying to run in this scenario."

  
"Run?" She exclaims, unbelieving. "Do you think that's what I'm doing? You think I'm looking for an easy way out of this?"  
"Yes, it's exactly what I think." He's lying and he knows that the second the words leave his mouth.

  
"Fuck - All I'm trying to do is preserve the love we have for each other." And now she's not even trying to hold back the tears anymore and whatever tight expression he was trying to pull of softens right away. "If we continue to disappoint one another like we have been doing, we're bound to end up hating each other and I couldn't bear that. All we do now is fight, Peter. I can't take this anymore and neither can you, this isn't the relationship we want to be in. I can't keep doing this to you, to us... I'd much rather let you go now, knowing that you are and always will be the love of my life."

  
He reaches out to touch her face and plant butterfly kisses all over it. "Then, I'll transfer to campus nearer yours or - um- maybe, I'll even withdraw for a semester or two until we figure something out, I don't know and I don't care but - breaking up isn't an option, Covey." Peter presses his mouth against her, his lips staying there for a while.

  
She smiles against his skin, kisses the corner of his mouth. "You know, before I came along, that was one thing that made your face light up whenever you talked about it, lacrosse. Then, we got together, so it was lacrosse and me." She says, playing with his hair. "And now, you have college. Which not only brightens up your whole face but also gives you a real perspective of a future. You're not letting that go for me."

  
"I'm not letting _you_ go." His voice is breaking, but hers, now, is firm enough.

  
"You are. Because I love you. And you love me. And I'm asking you to. And I know, I _know_ , that deep down, you know I'm right. You know. And, just like myself, you wouldn't bear to have any other memory of us that wasn't made of the deepest love and affection. We need to this for ourselves."

  
Lara Jean watches him as shy tears fall down his eyes - she softly kisses them away. "I can't - I can't live without you. This can't be it. _Fuck_ \- I - what are we going to do?"

  
She's never seen him so scared. "I don't know." And then she does the only thing she can think of, she kisses him. The kiss is slowly at first, but things escalate quickly, as if their bodies were speaking everything words weren't able to translate or capture. They needed each other like never before - physically and emotionally, inside and out. He was crushing her with his body, but his weight on her never felt better, her hands slipping under his shirt and touching his skin as if to every single line. They kept kissing hungrily until they were completely out of breath, Peter biting her bottom lip as his hands travell up and down her legs, which are wrapped on his hips.

  
"This isn't going to be helpful, I can tell." He chuckles, trying to ease the tension, breathing against the skin of her neck, taking her scent in.

  
"I don't care right now." She answers him, pulling his t-shirt out. When he lays on top of her again, he just keeps looking at her for a few seconds. "What?"

  
"Nothing, I just want to look at you for as long as I can today because I don't want to forget this image, ever."

  
She smiles, lets him stare all he wants as she touches his face with her hands, mentally counting the freckles and caressing his face.

  
She doesn't want to forget, either.

 

* * *

  
Before she leaves, they keep hugging for seven minutes. They had promised each other they wouldn't cry - that much - because it didn't have to be a heartbreaking goodbye. Even though it really was. It was the second most painful thing they had ever lived, the first being her mother's passing and his father leaving home. So there were no putting on words of how much they were hurting. Their grip on each other was so tight that it could leave a mark - they didn't seem to mind.

  
"Peter, I should go." She says, four words that almost didn't roll out of her tongue.  
Much for her surprise, he doesn't fight her on this anymore. But when she notices the look on his face, there's so much pain there, it makes her heart ache.

  
"You didn't fail, ok? You gave me more than you'll ever know by being my girlfriend. I'm so grateful for you and - your _heart_ , this heart right here that can love people so much and so easily when it opens. Thank you for opening it up for me. You'll always be the love of my life and I'll always love you, no matter what."

  
He kisses her, mouth open, tongues dancing together, tasting each other's tears.

  
"I'll never love anyone else the way I love you." She replies only, like it's a promise, like she's asking him to find her someday, somewhere else. When they're both on the same page again. "Bye..." Lara Jean says barely in an audible voice, her hand slipping from his, fingertips touching, as she turns around to get in the cab.

  
"I'm never saying goodbye to you." He whispers as he watches her leave.

  
But just like that, she's _gone_.  
And they're done.  
At least, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys. Thank you all for the sweet comments - it means a lot to know you're enjoying this. I really wanted to throw a little heartbreak in there and write their break up so that was my intention throughout this chapter. Can't wait to know what you think of it. xx

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys!  
> This is my second Covinsky story, which I decided to write because I received lots of love over the first one. I apologize in advance for any spelling, grammatical errors there might have been in it, english isn't my first language, but I tried my best. I really miss reading hot stories about these two, so that was pretty much what made me write this one myself. It's quite explicit, I guess, but hopefully you'll find it also tastefully written and enjoy it. This first chapter is only an introduction, though, the actual deal is yet to come, lol.  
> I intend to keep on writing, so if you have any ideas or requests, please let me know. 
> 
> xx


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